she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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