Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
