I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
