god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize