im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Randomize
