a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My friends, they love my intelligence
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
