he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So vagazzling was a success
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
