Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
