Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize