If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
