Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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