Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
