neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Boobs speak an international language.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
