I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
