his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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