i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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