Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So many bounce houses so little time
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Randomize
