hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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