im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
