Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
