my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
