I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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