Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
