Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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