In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
