TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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