I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
