I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
