Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
