I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
