I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
