if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
