Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize