i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
