I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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