the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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