I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
