I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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