I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
