Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
