I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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