i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
