saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize