he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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