No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
