WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
