Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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