fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
