so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
