Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I did not marry a roomba.
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