Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Randomize
