Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
