I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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