I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
