Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
