Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
