now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
its liver damage thursday
Randomize