The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
