he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
