R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
