You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
