so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
