i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
