I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
