All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
